The Bullies in My Life

I am trying to confront the bullies in my life.  Instead of the mean kids down the street, my bullies include my body and all my “supposed to-s”.  Like most bullies, they can be deceptive, overbearing, manipulative, and downright pushy. 

My body likes comforting foods and a comfy chair.  It does not like to get up early and exercise.  It likes to stay up late, watching mysteries, and eating huge bowls of popcorn.  It tries to convince me that I can’t find comfort after a difficult day at work without comforting food.  It tries to convince me that I can’t find time to exercise and get all the things I’m suppose to get done – done. (And now, we meet the bully “supposed to”.) 

I have too many “supposed to-s” to name them all.  To name just a few – I’m supposed to put other people first or I’m selfish.  I’m supposed to grade every paper or I’m not being fair to my students.  I’m supposed to say “yes” because that’s what “good” people do.  You get the idea.  Even as I’m writing this, I feel a nagging guilt – I’m suppose to be cleaning house and paying bills not writing a blog.

I find it difficult to confront these bullies and stand-up for myself. Until now, I’ve believed the lies I’ve told myself, and the lies other people have told me.  However, if I really want to change and become a healthy, energetic, positive, peaceful person, I have to draw my line in the sand, push myself, and face my fears. George Bernard Shaw said, “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”  I’m beginning to understand that my “mind” is the key.  I need to change my mind first.  Just because I haven’t found something as comforting as food doesn’t mean it isn’t out there.  Maybe I have to go on a quest – to find comfort that isn’t covered with cheese!  And maybe, contrary to many Sunday school lessons, good people sometimes say “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that right now”.

My Quest - To find comfort that is NOT covered with CHEESE!

Change is frightening to me.  I don’t even like going to a new gas station.  However, changing how I think and what I do is the only way to change who I am and my life. (It’s not that I hate who I am or even hate my life, I just think I can be more and my life can be even better.)  I think about advice I’ve given my students.  Sometimes, they come to me and say, “I always get a ‘C’ or ‘D’ on your tests”.  I ask them, “Well, what did you do differently to prepare for this last test?”  “Nothing”, they usually answer.  And I tell them, “If you do the same thing, how can you expect different results?” 

I need to take my own advice.  I have to find new ways to comfort myself and fill myself up, and be a good person and a good teacher.  And yes, I am afraid.  I’m afraid I’ll fail.  (I’ve lost more than 50 pounds twice before and gained it all back.)  I’m afraid I won’t find what I’m looking for.  I’m afraid I really don’t have enough time to “do it all”.  But I am going to do my best to face my fears.  I’m going to follow Erica Jong, who said, “I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...”

I was mostly successful this week in keeping my goals.  I did go to school to start setting up my classroom and instead of asking for help in moving a heavy bookcase filled with old Encyclopedia Britannica, I did it myself and pulled a muscle in my shoulder.  Luckily, it wasn’t in my leg so I haven’t let it stop me from exercising.  But it does alert me to a possible danger for my yearly goals.  When school starts, everything is going to get more difficult!  I’ve got to remember to find ways to take care of myself and keep my goals while teaching!

My first visit to my classroom and I almost let a set of 1967 encyclopedia derail my goals.  And really, do I need a set of 1967 encyclopedia in my science class!

I love to cook and I love to eat but I’m changing how I do both of those things.  I am finding food can be delicious and comforting but I can still keep my goal of making it healthy and vegan.  I’ve lost 2 more pounds this week – so I’m up to the grand total of 16 pounds lost.  It isn’t a lot but it’s a beginning.

An At-Home "Fast Food" Dinner - Vegan "Bacon Cheeseburger" and Onion Rings

The “Vegan Bacon Cheeseburger” was made with a vegan Boca burger, 1 slice of soy bacon, 2 TB of Daiya cheese, 2 teaspoons of BBQ sauce, 1 baked onion ring, tomato & lettuce on a sandwich thin – exceptionally delicious! 

The onion ring recipe isn’t mine.  It comes from “My Vegan Cookbook”.  These are the first baked onion rings I’ve made that are crunchy without oil and the breading doesn’t fall off the onion.  Thank you Vegan Cookbook!  The only changes I made were the spices, (Instead of the onion powder, I used ½ tsp of garlic powder and ½ teaspoon of Mrs. Dash’s Table Blend), and I used regular breadcrumbs because I didn’t have any Panko bread crumbs.  My non-vegan friend loved them too. 

I am also finding happiness and peace during my Sunday morning walk in the gardens.  I think the challenge of walking in the garden every week satisfies so many of my goals – its peaceful, it fills me up, and it’s a little bit of exercise that I enjoy. I’m trying to take pictures in the same location so I can observe the changes in the garden through the year.

Crabapple Trees

The Little Cottage

The Arbor

The Lamp Post

It has only been a week since I started taking pictures in the garden and the changes are very subtle.  Maybe, like the changes in me – you can’t actually see them yet but they are happening.