It’s a new year and that means people are talking about goals. I recently read an article on Zen Habits about the benefits of not having goals. I found the article fascinating and one of the points made by the author (Leo Babauta) truly resonated with me. He said, "These days, however, I live without goals, for the most part. It's absolutely liberating, and contrary to what you might have been taught, it absolutely doesn't mean you stop achieving things. It means you stop letting yourself be limited by goals.” I can see how goals can be limiting especially if you have set a path for yourself from which you feel you can’t deviate. I can understand that moving through life without a single specific destination can open your life to more adventures and lots of different possibilities.
However, I freely admit that I am a goal setter. I like thinking about where I am heading, and how I might get there, and reviewing what I’ve achieved. And yet, I’m more of a fuzzy goal setter. Some people like to set clear, specific goals so they can clearly identify success or failure and put a check in the right box. Goal achieved – check. Goal not achieved – check. I like my goals to be more adaptable and less specific. I’m more interested in process goals than destination goals. And I don’t like to start my goals in January anymore – too much negative history – that’s why I started this journey of exploration, and this blog, and for a lack of a better word, my goals in August.
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| August 2010 |
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| January 2010 |
I wanted to explore ways of becoming more and less. I wanted to become kinder, healthier, more positive, more peaceful, more balanced, more energetic, and more focused on the really important details of teaching. I also wanted to be less fearful, less overweight, less guilt-ridden, less critical, and less of a “workaholic”. These aren’t exactly specific goals. Although, I do have specific tasks I set for myself: exercising each morning, eating vegan, eating healthy, walking in the gardens, taking photographs, using positive approaches to teaching, etc.
When I began this journey or process, I had some questions I hoped would be answered. For example, is it possible, after so many years, to change the way I view food and exercise? As I’ve said before, I use food not only to nourish myself but as a way to celebrate, to comfort myself, to soothe frazzled nerves, and for a myriad of other reasons. And exercise, for me, is a torture you put yourself through so you can lose weight. These things have been true for about 40 years – since I was a teenager. As I get closer to the 6-month mark of this journey, can I answer that question? Not really. I have changed habits but I don’t think I’ve changed my inner beliefs. Given a really bad day – my first inclination is to comfort myself with food. I still think of exercise as unpleasant, (which I guess is a step up from torture), and except for my walk in the garden, I still have to force myself to exercise. So I’m going to change what I’m doing – I start Tappersize next week. I’ve got my little tap shoes, I’ve registered for the class, and I’ve put the dates in my calendar. I have fears. (I do know how to tap so that is some comfort.) But I’m afraid that I will be the fattest person in the room, or I won’t have the stamina to tap for the whole hour, or my fat will jiggle when I tap, and so on. But I’m also excited – I love to tap, I the noise, I love the unity of a bunch of people dancing together, and I love the feeling of sweaty exhaustion when you’re done. Maybe I can change that belief that exercise can’t be fun.
And there are more questions that I can’t answer. Do I sever all ties with my religion? I no longer have a strong belief in a god and no faith in organized religion. I don’t attend church or participate in any religious rituals. My religion requires a formal declaration that I no longer wish to belong to the church in order to have my name removed from their files. Until I do this, I’m considered an inactive member but still a member of the church. And does it matter? Does being a formal member of a church but not an actual member affect me? Does holding on to something that isn’t really me, keep me from being totally at peace? And what does it mean to leave? I’ll no longer have contact with the church but what about the people? Especially, the people I love? How can it not change our relationships? I’ve already lost most of my beliefs, some of my identity, and my community, I don’t want to lose loved ones too.
Another question: Can I really be a good teacher and not devote most of my free time to preparation and grading? Actually, I have a theory about that question – No! It takes huge amounts of time to be a good teacher. I feel like all the news regarding teachers is about what we don’t do and how we fail. But for me, almost my entire life is devoted to my “job”. After 6 months, I still don’t see any other options. I can’t have a whole weekend off from work. However, I am trying to squeeze in some nice life moments, like a tap class, a walk in the garden, and working on this blog.
Although it sounds exciting to move through life without the structure (or restrictions) of goals and letting what ever happens, happen, I’m just not ready to give up my goals. But maybe, I can be a little more open. Maybe, sometimes, I can go with the flow instead of fighting it. Maybe, I can be willing to step into a new adventure even if it wasn’t in the original plan. Maybe I can give up a little bit of that control I think I have of my life. Maybe!
So how am I doing with my goals?
On the negative side, I’ve missed some walks in the garden. I have let guilt, fear, and anger at “the system” affect me physically. For the first time since I started, I’ve gained weight. Over the Christmas holidays, I gained 4 pounds and I missed many days of exercise during the holiday.
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| Before vacation, I was under 200 pounds, now - a little over but I'm not giving up! |
On the positive side, I spent time with friends. I not only graded all my papers during vacation, but I also spent time on myself. For the last two weeks, maybe I haven’t lost any weight but I haven’t gained any weight. And I did sign-up for the tap class and have been exercising regularly.
In a book I got from a friend for Christmas called, “Worthy of Love – Meditations of Loving Ourselves and Others”, I found this quote: “There is nothing else that can expand the human soul, actualize the human potential for growth, or bring a person into the full possession of life more than a love which is unconditional.” – John Powell. It’s something to think about in the next few weeks. Can I love myself unconditionally? And can that love help me actualize my goals? Will I be more successful if I’m less critical and more loving? Or is loving myself unconditionally just a way to allow myself to make excuses for mistakes and failures?
Favorite Garden Pictures:
