Complications

I want my life and my challenges to be simple and straightforward – like a fairy tale or a 50’s sitcom.  It would be wonderful if a fairy godmother or a handsome prince could step up and solve all my problems.  Or at least I’d love to find the answer in a 30-minute timeslot.  I want there to be a simple solution to what seems like a simple problem.  It would be so nice if life was a series of simple math equations: a + b = c or d + f = g.  If I want “c” to happen, I just do a and b and I get “c”.  However, most really important things in life are more like one of those complicated physics problems that take up an entire board.  I’ve been thinking that wishing for simple answers to the complicated problems in my life keeps me from doing the difficult work necessary to really change.

My life's challenges aren't always easy to solve!

For example, I want to lose weight and get healthier.  It’s simple math, right?  (Fewer Calories In) – (More Calories Burned) = Weight Loss.  We know people lose weight all the time – they tell us on all those commercials trying to sell us something.   I have lost weight before – more than once.   And I want it to be simple but it’s not.  It’s complicated.  I’ve never been able to lose all the weight I needed or keep the weight off.   Insecurities, bad habits, time commitments, and LIFE make losing weight more than a simple math problem for me.  And no matter what all those happy people say in the commercials, there is that grim statistic that says most people will gain all the weight they lose within 5 years.  Pretending weight loss is simple isn’t going to help me beat those odds.

Is weight loss a simple math problem or a complicated life challenge?

A second example: I want a more fulfilled, happy, peaceful life. There are a lot of “experts” who want me to believe there is a simple answer to this goal.  The self-help gurus, religious leaders, new agers, spiritualists, and life coaches all have the answers if I just buy their books, or pay their fees, or confine myself to their religious rules.   But, if it is so easy, why isn’t everyone joyful and why do they keep writing new books and inventing new rules.  I want my fulfilled, happy, peaceful life without guilt, superstitions, silliness or the confinement of religion.  And that’s not simple.  It’s complicated.  I know because I have been a member of a very conservative, rule-based religion for over 30 years and have a bookshelf filled with self-help books.  And maybe those things worked for other people, but for me, I need more.

As I was walking in the garden, I looked up and saw these tangled branches.  They reminded me of my life - beautiful but complicated!

Final example, I want to be a good teacher with some time to live my own life.  They, (I’m not sure who they are – politicians? journalists? administrators?) want me to believe that if I work hard, use current, approved teaching practices (which seem to change yearly), and concentrate on the standards, my students will do well on “THE TEST” and I will be a good teacher.  Somewhere in “their” formula, they forgot to include the classrooms full of preteens and teens that are dealing with hormones, poverty, second-languages, texting addiction, anger, ADHD, first love, discouragement, and so much more things than I can even imagine.  They’ve also seemed to have forgotten, that being able to complete a “bubble test”, isn’t all there is to learning science.  As their science teacher, I also need to prepare them to think critically, deal with complicated issues, and hopefully, compete in a very real and modern science-based world.  I believe in being held accountable but I am responsible for more than a state test.  I am responsible for my students and their futures.  I’m also realizing that I am responsible for myself, and sacrificing my health or my whole life for my students can’t be the answer.  Figuring out how to do this isn’t simple.  It’s complicated!  

Is this science?

Or is this science?

Understanding the complications of my goals doesn’t mean I think they’re impossible.  It’s just the opposite.   I think that if I can figure out my many complicated issues and face them, I have a greater chance of solving the problems and reaching my goals.  The answers are out there.  I just have to find my own answers, the ones that fit me.  Even if this journey is complicated and difficult, I still think it’s worth all the work I need to do to find my answers.

I saw these little flowers - not quite in full bloom.  They still have some work to do and so do I.

So how did I do this week? 

Goal 1: I’ve prepared delicious food and exercised everyday.  Which was good and bad.  As of Monday, I’ve lost 4 more pounds reaching a total of 20 pounds lost.  That’s good.  But in my enthusiasm, I might have over done it just a bit.  I was very sore!  I need to remember balance. 

My blog is anonymous but I want to make a commitment to it.  So in the interest of honesty and a sincere desire to improve, here I am stepping on the scales.

I’ve really do think preparing foods that are similar to my “normal” foods but are healthy and vegan have helped to make this transition easier.  Another help has been including fresh, delicious treats –like sweet farmer’s market tomatoes, fresh strawberries, or a couple of slices of avocado. This week’s recipe is “Chicken” Fajitas topped with Simple Cabbage Salad.  I added a salad of a variety of tomatoes, 3 avocado slices, & chives.

Soy Curl Fajitas Topped with Cabbage Salad & Pico de Gallo
A Tomato & Avocado Salad with Chives

Chicken (Soy Curls) Fajitas for 2

Ingredients:

Soy Curls (2 handfuls – or a heaping cup)

Colorful Peppers (1/2 red, green & yellow pepper)

1 small onion

1 small Carrot (optional)

1 small Zucchini (optional)

Cooking Spray or Canola Oil

Cabbage Salad: 2 cups Shredded Cabbage, 3 Green Onions, ¼ - ½ cup Cilantro, Lime Juice from 1 or 2 limes, 2 TB Vegan Mayo (or more to taste) & Seasonings (I use them all) to taste

Pico De Gallo or Salsa

4 corn tortillas

Seasonings: Chili Powder, Cumin, Smoked Paprika (Mild) or Chipotle Powder (Hot), Onion & Garlic Powder, Mrs. Dash’s Table Blend (or salt and pepper to taste), Bill’s Chik-nish Seasoning (or other vegan “chicken” flavoring), Lime Juice

Step 1: Prepare Soy Curls – Soak curls in very hot water until soft.  Drain and squeeze out most of the water.  Sprinkle with Seasonings and limejuice.  Allow soy curls to marinate.

Step 2: Prepare Topping: Mix shredded cabbage with chopped green onions and cilantro. Mix Limejuice, Vegan Mayo, Chili Powder, salt & pepper to taste.  Combine cabbage mixture with dressing.  Allow salad to marinate.

Step 3:  While soy curls & salad marinate, cut all desired vegetables into julienne strips (or buy prepared fajita vegetables).  Peppers and onions are essential.  If I have a lot of colorful peppers, I use mostly peppers.  But if peppers are expensive and I can only afford green peppers, I cut up carrots and zucchini into julienne strips to add a little color.  Sauté the vegetables in a little oil or cooking spray until tender.  Sprinkle with seasonings to taste.  (I am cutting back on salt, which is why I use the Table Blend instead of salt and pepper but that’s a personal preference.)  Add the soy curls and continue cooking until soy curls are hot and slightly browned.  (You can deglaze the pan with a little water, wine, or beer and add another layer of flavor.)

Step 4:  Assemble.  Heat corn tortillas.  Top with the fajita mix, cabbage salad, & Pico de Gallo (or salsa).  Enjoy!

Cottage 8-22

Cottage 8-29

Goal 2:  As I was walking in the gardens Sunday morning, I felt one of the “should bullies” trying to interrupt.  “I should hurry because I have so much to do.”  I stopped myself.  I drew a line in the sand.  

Walking in the gardens is my time to find peace and beauty and to think and figure things out.  I can’t do that if I hurry.  I don’t want my time here to become something I just check off on my list.  I want these experiences to help me find a greater fulfillment in my life.  When I stopped thinking about what had to be done and concentrated on what I was seeing, I felt such happiness and such a connection to the world.  If I can hold onto those feelings when life gets complicated, I imagine I can deal with the complications much more successfully.

My favorite picture this week.  How can you look at something so beautiful and not feel happy?

Lamp Post 8/22

Lamp Post 8/29

The Bullies in My Life

I am trying to confront the bullies in my life.  Instead of the mean kids down the street, my bullies include my body and all my “supposed to-s”.  Like most bullies, they can be deceptive, overbearing, manipulative, and downright pushy. 

My body likes comforting foods and a comfy chair.  It does not like to get up early and exercise.  It likes to stay up late, watching mysteries, and eating huge bowls of popcorn.  It tries to convince me that I can’t find comfort after a difficult day at work without comforting food.  It tries to convince me that I can’t find time to exercise and get all the things I’m suppose to get done – done. (And now, we meet the bully “supposed to”.) 

I have too many “supposed to-s” to name them all.  To name just a few – I’m supposed to put other people first or I’m selfish.  I’m supposed to grade every paper or I’m not being fair to my students.  I’m supposed to say “yes” because that’s what “good” people do.  You get the idea.  Even as I’m writing this, I feel a nagging guilt – I’m suppose to be cleaning house and paying bills not writing a blog.

I find it difficult to confront these bullies and stand-up for myself. Until now, I’ve believed the lies I’ve told myself, and the lies other people have told me.  However, if I really want to change and become a healthy, energetic, positive, peaceful person, I have to draw my line in the sand, push myself, and face my fears. George Bernard Shaw said, “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”  I’m beginning to understand that my “mind” is the key.  I need to change my mind first.  Just because I haven’t found something as comforting as food doesn’t mean it isn’t out there.  Maybe I have to go on a quest – to find comfort that isn’t covered with cheese!  And maybe, contrary to many Sunday school lessons, good people sometimes say “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that right now”.

My Quest - To find comfort that is NOT covered with CHEESE!

Change is frightening to me.  I don’t even like going to a new gas station.  However, changing how I think and what I do is the only way to change who I am and my life. (It’s not that I hate who I am or even hate my life, I just think I can be more and my life can be even better.)  I think about advice I’ve given my students.  Sometimes, they come to me and say, “I always get a ‘C’ or ‘D’ on your tests”.  I ask them, “Well, what did you do differently to prepare for this last test?”  “Nothing”, they usually answer.  And I tell them, “If you do the same thing, how can you expect different results?” 

I need to take my own advice.  I have to find new ways to comfort myself and fill myself up, and be a good person and a good teacher.  And yes, I am afraid.  I’m afraid I’ll fail.  (I’ve lost more than 50 pounds twice before and gained it all back.)  I’m afraid I won’t find what I’m looking for.  I’m afraid I really don’t have enough time to “do it all”.  But I am going to do my best to face my fears.  I’m going to follow Erica Jong, who said, “I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...”

I was mostly successful this week in keeping my goals.  I did go to school to start setting up my classroom and instead of asking for help in moving a heavy bookcase filled with old Encyclopedia Britannica, I did it myself and pulled a muscle in my shoulder.  Luckily, it wasn’t in my leg so I haven’t let it stop me from exercising.  But it does alert me to a possible danger for my yearly goals.  When school starts, everything is going to get more difficult!  I’ve got to remember to find ways to take care of myself and keep my goals while teaching!

My first visit to my classroom and I almost let a set of 1967 encyclopedia derail my goals.  And really, do I need a set of 1967 encyclopedia in my science class!

I love to cook and I love to eat but I’m changing how I do both of those things.  I am finding food can be delicious and comforting but I can still keep my goal of making it healthy and vegan.  I’ve lost 2 more pounds this week – so I’m up to the grand total of 16 pounds lost.  It isn’t a lot but it’s a beginning.

An At-Home "Fast Food" Dinner - Vegan "Bacon Cheeseburger" and Onion Rings

The “Vegan Bacon Cheeseburger” was made with a vegan Boca burger, 1 slice of soy bacon, 2 TB of Daiya cheese, 2 teaspoons of BBQ sauce, 1 baked onion ring, tomato & lettuce on a sandwich thin – exceptionally delicious! 

The onion ring recipe isn’t mine.  It comes from “My Vegan Cookbook”.  These are the first baked onion rings I’ve made that are crunchy without oil and the breading doesn’t fall off the onion.  Thank you Vegan Cookbook!  The only changes I made were the spices, (Instead of the onion powder, I used ½ tsp of garlic powder and ½ teaspoon of Mrs. Dash’s Table Blend), and I used regular breadcrumbs because I didn’t have any Panko bread crumbs.  My non-vegan friend loved them too. 

I am also finding happiness and peace during my Sunday morning walk in the gardens.  I think the challenge of walking in the garden every week satisfies so many of my goals – its peaceful, it fills me up, and it’s a little bit of exercise that I enjoy. I’m trying to take pictures in the same location so I can observe the changes in the garden through the year.

Crabapple Trees

The Little Cottage

The Arbor

The Lamp Post

It has only been a week since I started taking pictures in the garden and the changes are very subtle.  Maybe, like the changes in me – you can’t actually see them yet but they are happening.

My New Year Starts in September

As a teacher, the start of a new year for me has always been September.  By the end of August, I make my plans, my resolutions, and my goals.  I have spent this summer reflecting, cleaning-up, getting organized, making decisions, and basically “getting my act together”.  I tried to get rid of the “stuff” that hasn’t worked – all of the physical stuff, mental stuff, emotional stuff, teaching stuff that didn’t really serve me well during the last year. 

My Shredder has been hard at work – getting rid of the old papers I don’t need anymore.  Too bad it isn’t as easy to shred the emotional and mental crap I’ve stored up as well.

I tried to make note of the “stuff” that did work so I can hold onto it and use it again.  I looked for new “stuff” that will make this year better than the last.  It isn’t easy!  Sometimes the old stuff feels really safe and comfortable even if it really didn’t help and sometimes was NOT good for me (like working all weekend and eating huge helpings of Tatter Tot Casserole). And the new ideas, they seem difficult and uncertain.

Can exercise really make me feel as happy as a big plate of Nachos?.

I have been "experimenting with life decisions this summer but summer is waning.

The Descanso Gardens – still green but the flowers are disappearing.  Summer is disappearing too.  And I need to make decisions before fall arrives

I’ve decided to be a healthy, energetic person.  I had a health scare – I went to a doctor and I want (need) to be healthier.  I’ve made a decision to eat vegan and healthy.  I’ve been a vegetarian for about 15 years but vegan is new.  I’m trying to lose weight – a lot of weight, which is not new but it is a new try.  I’m exercising.  I read that it is important to like the new habits you are establishing.  So I’m looking for ways to make eating healthy and exercising fun for me.

Recipe of the Week: Avocado-Tofu Dressing/Dip 
(A great way to make raw veggies a treat!)

Ingredients:

½ carton Nori-Mu Lite Firm Tofu (aseptic pack)

1 ripe avocado

large handful of cilantro

2 green onions, chopped in large pieces

1 clove of garlic

½ - 1 jalapeño pepper (personal choice – how hot do you want it)

juice of 2-3 limes

1 tsp of agave syrup

¼ - ½ cup water (begin with ¼ cup and keep adding until you get the consistency you want)

salt to taste

Directions:

Place all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.

I’ve decided to be a more positive, peaceful, kind person and I want to do this without fear, superstition, or religion.  I have not been to church in over a year (after being VERY religious for most of my life). But now I not only want to leave organized religion, I want to leave behind all my superstitious beliefs and fears.  I’ve decided to grow as a person using my own decisions, my beliefs, and my morals.  I read that Billy Graham said:  “a true atheist has no real reason to believe in right and wrong or to behave sacrificially toward others” and “On the outside, she may seem self-sufficient and indifferent toward God — but inside she may be spiritually empty and searching for inner peace”.  I want to find out if I can be happy, and peaceful, and giving towards others, without a god or religion in my life.

Descanso Gardens – early Sunday morning - Aug 15, 2010 – I’ve made a goal to watch the garden (and me) change through the year. 

 I’ve decided to be a more balanced teacher.  I want to be the best teacher I can be but I don’t want to sacrifice my health and “my life” to teaching.  I want to prepare my students for “THE TEST” but I don’t want to sacrifice essential learning for mere details.  I want to work efficiently – planning, and grading papers, and disciplining and getting students to do their work, but I don’t want to forget that teaching isn’t just about covering standards, or controlling students, or preparing grades.  I have decided to care as much about my students and their futures as I do about standards and test scores.

Teaching hasn’t been very balanced in my life.  It’s been exciting and fulfilling but it has overwhelmed my life.

Normally, if I start a trip, I know every destination, every road I will take, every hotel and every site I will visit.  I’ve “googled” the cities, the restaurants, the destinations, and the weather and made many copies and notes.  I don’t know how to do that on this journey.  So instead, I have some general goals and a basic direction and I’m moving forward.  And once a week, I will blog.